Transition.

Before I left for Tanzania, I was a college student. I went to school at Friends, worked on campus, and lived on campus. I knew how to live my life as a college student.

I arrived back in the States about three weeks ago, and what a crazy three weeks it has been. Three days after I got back, my mom was diagnosed with stage IV inflammatory breast cancer that has spread to her spine. This last week, she started chemotherapy.

In the past three weeks, I’ve also started graduate school, begun a new job, and picked up a second one to pay the bills.

I was gone for six weeks and everything changed. I was happy; my family was happy and healthy. I knew how to live my life as a college student.  

Now, I’m back and everything is different. My family is different; I go to a different school; I work a different job; I live in a different house.  

Transition is hard. I really liked the life that I lived before, but it had to change. Everything is new, which adds to the difficulty. Things will get easier as I find a new normal, but right now, it’s just hard. 

Goodbyes.

I'm terrible at goodbyes. Every time I have to say goodbye, I avoid it.

And in this season of life, I've said a lot of goodbyes. I said goodbye to my college days, to my college roommates, to the job I held in college, and to friends that have graduated and moved away.

Soon, I'll be saying goodbye to everyone here, to the friends that I have made, the students I have gotten to know, and the staff who work tirelessly to take care of the children here. I really fear change, and saying goodbye to something or someone usually means things are changing.

It's hard to say goodbye, when I don't really know what's next. I head home as a college graduate with a new home, a new schedule, a new school, and no job (yet... I'm looking).

I'm someone who likes consistency, who likes to have a plan. I like to be in control, but in this situation, I just don't have the luxury of knowing.

So this week I say goodbye to a place and a people that have my heart, to come home to a lot of newness and unknown. It's scary and unsettling, but I guess that's just part of the adventure.

The first of many goodbyes: Kara and I took a day trip to Mwanza 

to see the college students one last time before we leave. 

Human.

Nothing makes you feel more human than throwing up in front of someone else. 

It was a Saturday. Saturdays at Angel House are like gold because everyone is home from school. This Saturday was special because everyone is home from school. This Saturday was special because we were supposed to celebrate my birthday. Another volunteer and I made cookies for the kids... they had never had them before. 

We went out to Angel House early and helped with corn harvest. The plan was to celebrate my birthday in the afternoon. I was sick, I had a cold, but was still insistent on helping with harvest. 

We harvested all morning, then the kids took their tea break, washed their clothes (by hand), and ate lunch. I assisted with whatever I  could, but had started to feel very nauseous. I tried to wait it out, hoping the feeling would go away. The kids were looking forward to celebrating my birthday; they knew we made cookies for them, and I didn't want to disappoint them by postponing. 

The feeling continued to get worse, so I decided to go home to rest, but it was too late. I started throwing up while waiting for my ride to come. I was at the edge of the Angel House property, so I hoped no one would see me, but of course, one of the high school boys walked by. 

I was completely embarrassed. But he reacted better than I ever could have expected. He looked at me, asked if I was ok, picked up some dirt, and burried my vomit. He didn't look disgusted; he didn't look at me like I was terrible. He reacted like it was completely normal. It turned what could have been a completely shame-filled experience into one of compassion.

I learned a lot from that interaction:

1. Listen to your body. 

2. Know your limits.

3. In the midst of struggle, I didn't want to be looked at with pity. I just needed to hear that I was ok, that I was normal. Rather than feeling shame, I felt loved because of the way he responded to me. 

4. Situations can either be made worse OR redeemed and healed all because of how they are responded to. 

Valuable.

While in Tanzania, I’ve been reading. While reading, I ran across this quote: “We are primarily looking for experiences that give us a sense of value.”

Having just graduated from college, I find myself, more than ever, trying to figure out where to place my value. Is my value found in my newly acquired college degree? Is it in whatever job I find when I get back? Is it in my friendships?

I continue to think that once I reach a certain point, I will find this sense of value that I’ve been looking for. Did it come when I graduated high school? No. Did it come when I traveled internationally? No. These experiences may have given me some temporary sense of value, but it didn’t last. So why do I continue looking for my value in my actions and accomplishments?

It’s really pretty exhausting. I continue to set goals, hoping that once I reach the next one, I will find that missing value, but it never works. Like a hamster on a wheel, I keep working but do not move.

But, every time I find myself in a place of despair, I’m always reminded of 1 John 3:20 “Whenever our heart condemn us, God is greater than our hearts.”  When my heart continues to say I’m not enough, I have a God who is willing to hold the light for me. He loves me when I feel unlovable. He loves me whether I accomplish my goals or not. He loves me when I don’t know how to love myself.

Purpose.

What am I doing here?

Six weeks is kind of an odd amount of time to be somewhere, so my job description is mostly just to be available. The basic direction I was given when I arrived were that I would be helping the accountant organize finances and  helping some recent graduates start their small businesses, which includes a mill to make flour, a small souvenir shop, and a bakery. I’ve helped with the businesses and finances, but have also had some other experiences in my time here so far.

These new experiences include:

- Riding motorcycles home in the rain

- Washing my clothes by hand

- Drinking fermented pooridge (it’s a delicacy)

- Fishing in a pond using a mosquito net

- Cleaning and gutting the caught fish

- Eating the freshest chicken I’ve ever had… I heard it die (Hospitality is real here; people will kill their chickens for you to eat when you visit their home… even if they only have a few chickens)

- Teaching preschool to kids who mostly speak Swahili… they needed a last minute teacher (kudos to all you teachers out there, it was exhausting) 

- Delivering donated medical supplies to local clinics 

A local doctor with his new stethescope

Thankful.

I have arrived in Tanzania!

Last summer my trek to Tanzania involved delayed flights, a lost passport, and a missing piece of luggage. This summer my journey here was much less eventful. Rather than tell the story of my trip here, I’ll just list the things I’m thankful for:

-          I’m thankful for friends who helped me pack for my trip two days before I left, because I was sick, overwhelmed, and exhausted

-          I’m thankful for friends who  surprised me at the Wichita Airport before I left

-          I’m thankful that although the girl next to me on the plane got air sick, I did not

-          I’m thankful that there was an extra seat next to me on my next flight, so I was able to sleep the whole time

-          I’m thankful that I didn’t leave my passport on the plane this time

-          I’m thankful that although one of my pieces of luggage did not arrive, the one that did was the one with all of my clothing and hygiene items in it (for the second year in a row! Thank goodness!)

-          I’m thankful for other volunteers that took care of me when I was sick, both with a sinus infection and motion sickness from the bus ride to Tanzania.

-          I’m thankful for the community of Tarime and Angel House that welcomed me back so lovingly

-          Lastly, I’m thankful for my community at home that is willing to support me on this journey

We went to Mwanza on Sunday to see some of the college students 

Daniel, Willliam, and Moses 

The dates are set!

Hello friends!

It's official! I'll be going back to Tanzania July 1- August 12. I am so excited to see the people of Tanzania again and be reunited with the Angel House community!

If you're in the Wichita area, I'd love to sit down and talk with you about Angel House Orphanage, the community, and the work I'll be doing while I'm there.

These next few weeks will be filled with packing and preparing. If you're interesting in donating items to be taken to the Orphanage, let me know and I can inform you of some ongoing needs.